Uptight and Judgmental

This is a revision of the post earlier, I am in NO WAY BACKING DOWN from my original thoughts, but I felt I needed to be a little bit more clear in some aspects. Yet I know it will still spark controversy and hate, enjoy:

To say that I am back enjoying casseroles and substituting hell with “heck” and damn with “dang” is just not plausible. You see, I am a different kind of Mormon. Call me Jack Mormon, call me a hypocrite, call me what you want. But I do not fit in to your usual Sunday morning zoobie with parted hair and a cheesy smile. I am far from perfect and sometimes I still wonder why I am part of a Church where I am looked as rebellious when anywhere else in the world I am a very good person. You see, that is my problem with some of its members. Unfortunately some of its members ruin what is a beautiful religious institution, and the worst part is that its not just a few who ruin it for the rest of us, it is many people.

Take for example Prop 8 in California and 102 in Arizona (which I lived there during the campaign). The issue sparked a great deal of controversy and in some cases, some very hateful comments were made in Facebook groups and during rallies by very prominent LDS members. I have gay and lesbian friends, big shocker! A Mormon with gay friends? Yes! It is perfectly fine. I love them very much. They are very good people and are fun to be around. They respect my beliefs and I respect theirs. I admit I have fallen in that Mormon trap of thinking that it was wrong and a sin, I have learned my lesson and know now that it was not Christ-like of me to think that way. Did Christ not teach tolerance? Did he not say to love one another? I am not saying that we should accept everything that everyone does, if someone is an alcoholic I don’t have to accept that drinking is ok, but I can learn to love that person. But sometimes we confuse acceptance with tolerance. You see, my gay friends, to me are just friends. They aren’t a label. I don’t think, hey it’s Joe my gay friend, no. It’s just simply Joe. If Joe lives a certain lifestyle that I don’t, it doesn’t mean anything but that we are different.

One time someone came up to me and asked if I was a Mormon. The way that they asked made me wonder if I had done something wrong that may have given them the idea that I wasn’t. I replied that I was and wondered why they asked. She said: “Really? You just aren’t uptight and judgmental like the others…” Unfortunately I knew exactly what she was talking about, so I took it as a compliment. Sadly, a lot of Latter Day Saints, especially in Utah, grow up extremely judgmental and uptight. I know of a few Facebook friends who deleted me because they saw something controversial in my profile. During the time I was being rebellious and wasn’t living the Doctrine of the LDS Church, lots of people stopped talking to me and scorned me for my choices. Come on people, that is not right, that is NOT what Christ taught. Hate the sin but don’t hate the sinner. But unfortunately lots of Mormons don’t see it that way, and I only say that because I have seen it firsthand.

What is the lesson here? A true Christian learns to love all people, no matter what race, color, background, culture, sexual preference, you get the point. How can members of a church claim to be the “one true church” when they judge and point fingers, when they scorn individuals for the lifestyle they live. I am sure this is NOT what Christ meant for His church. Have the Brethren not spoken to us about these things? I could get into racism but that would be a completely different post. We need to change the way we are viewed by the rest of society, we need to be better examples of what a true member of the LDS Church is supposed to act. People used to hear the word “Mormon” and they would associate it with kind and charitable people, now days the term “Mormon” is so negative and is usually followed by the words, “judgmental” and “uptight”. I know I have A LOT of things I need to change in order to portray a better example, I am not innocent in this matter.

From Life Lessons to Controversial Views

After some thought, and due to some of the recent media spotlight on the Church I associate myself to, I have decided to change the direction and focus of what I write about.

Some of you know that I am LDS; Mormon if you will. Maybe not the best one according to its laws and practices, but I am very much a Mormon guy. I was born a Mormon and for the longest time was one because it was what my parent’s had taught me. It was what made sense and I didn’t know any other world. Now, this doesn’t mean I have always been a faithful one, as I stated earlier, I had my periods of… let’s just call it rebellion to stick to religious terminology. I have seen the other side, I have had the privilege to experiment what the world has to offer. And even though my personality seems to enjoy the temporal fulfillment, my soul was always in conflict of these things and is what eventually brought me “back” to what I knew was right.

This blog is a way for me to voice my opinions on being a liberal and spiritual man in a world of conservative Latter Day Saints. I would like to make it very clear from the beginning, these are only my opinions and not facts. I apologize if this new blog direction is going to offend some, as I am sure it will. But as I try to define who I am, I have found that honesty, though brutal at time, is what makes me the happiest.

This Is The Way I Am…

I would say that I have probably lived a far more strange life than most Mormons have. The shelter of the Utah bubble since my arrival to the States at the age of nine has been in most my years, a non-existent Mormon myth. I am grateful for the experiences I have lived that will maybe someday bring in financial gain with some sort of book deal, but as I reach the wonderful and dreadful age of 25, I look back at my life and wonder what it all means.

I have been rebellious most of my life. My personality, by nature, is one of mischief and trouble. I think it began on the playgrounds of the private schools I went to in Mexico. I was this skinny, large headed kid, in the middle of rich, snobby types whose lack of parental control caused them to act out in places outside the home. I was always picked on for being the quiet kid, the one that was never good at sports and would rather sit by himself and doodle in his writing notebook. But when the chance to start a new life in the States came to me, I knew that it was my opportunity to start over and decide what type of kid I would be.

I arrived here when I was nine. I was the new guy in town who spoke little to no English. At the time, Utah had not experienced the Latin boom that it did a few years after, so I was the brand new and exciting toy for everyone to explore! I quickly learned English, thanks to all the new white girls I had attracted that were inviting me to their homes and bringing me to dinner like a show and tell project. I think my love for women began here, unless we count the times in kindergarten when I was receiving free cookies from this little blonde girl in return for kisses, but that’s another story.

Since the age of 9, somehow I always got in trouble around my birthday. What is it about my birthday that causes me to want to do naughty things? I remember one particular time, it was 5th grade and there was a kid by the name of Spencer. His house had that awful smell of urine, and I knew it was because of him. He tried being my friend so much that I actually started hanging out with him after school. We would play monsters with my little sister whom I walked home every day. But then there was that awful day I felt he had roughed her up a little more than I would have liked. I tackled little Spencer to the ground and knocked him out cold with a swift punch to the eye. I panicked! I knew I would be in deep trouble. So I took some pencil led and darkened my eye so it would look as if he had hit me too, bad idea. This only made my teacher more upset because I was trying to hide the fact I had attacked this kid in what looked to be “no good reason”. A year later, again, around my birthday, he had been sick for several days and all the kids were collecting valentines for him to send to his home (my birthday is 2 days after Valentine’s Day). I found a Valentine of some masked duck shooting some sort of love gun, but I changed it so the duck was telling Spencer that he was going to kill him, I know I know, really bad idea. I sent him his Valentine and knew I would be in deep trouble. But being the mischievous person that I am, I disconnected the phones from the walls on my birthday so Spencer’s parents would not call and ruin my birthday fun! Well, they showed up to the house the following day and I was in deep trouble.

I could go on and on about all the different times I have been in trouble around my birthday, but I don’t feel I need to air out my dirty laundry, ha ha. My point is that this has been a problem most my life, and it doesn’t make sense sometimes because I have a very spiritual and good person inside me. I think I have mentioned in previous posts that I feel like 2 very different human beings, and of course this is natural in most cases. But mine are so different that sometimes I worry I need to start seeking professional help! Either that or I just need to find that happy medium where both can coexist? I don’t have the answers; all I know is that this is me. I am who I am, and deep down I know I need both of these personalities, or else I wouldn’t be me.

Nice Guys Finish Last?

The eternal struggle between good and evil is still so actively controlling my life right now. In the post below, I mention the two sides of me and the different roles they play in my life. This remains true today. But as I try to keep the good side controlling the bad, I realize that it is a harder task than I imagined. Not because I am evil by nature, natural but not evil, but because the good side of me always seems to finish in last place.

“All guys are the same!” Whenever I hear these words come out of a girl’s mouth, I always cringe with disgust and my natural response is to point out their obvious delusional state. But I don’t. I always ask why they think this is and the responses are always the same. Some guy played with their feelings and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda… for the most part, they have a valid point and I don’t blame them for their hostile feelings towards my gender. But is that really true? Of course it’s not! You see, the problem with most women who say something like that is that they always fall for that same type of guy. It’s almost comical once you dissect the situation. They get hurt, they vow to never fall for someone like that again, along comes Pete with his charming good looks and nice car, they are instantly attracted to him and they fall for the guy even though he seems to be EXACTLY the same as the one before. But they don’t see that, they are blinded by the outside and don’t seem to take the time to check out the inside. They get hurt; they curse the world and out comes the phrase, “ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME!” Does anyone else find this ridiculous?

No Sally, guys are not all the same. You are just falling for the same type of guy. Why is that? I have seen both sides. I have been the jerk, the player, the guy who won’t commit and who is self centered and selfish. I have been there. You know what disgusts me about that? It was during that time in my life when I was dating like crazy! It was as if women WANTED that, they liked the bad boy that had that dark mysterious crazy look in his eyes, the guy who didn’t call when he said he would and broke many promises. They liked the passionate fights and the arguing, they liked being on their toes and worrying who I had been with the night before… does anyone else find this strange?

Well I refuse to go back to that. I have so many girl friends whose lives have been torn by guys who have crushed their self esteem and worth. I know of so many women who have cried themselves to sleep because some jerk who played with their feelings, some guy who promised them the world and gave them crap in return. I have two sisters, fortunately for me the oldest one is married to an incredible guy who respects her and loves her dearly. The younger one is who I lose sleep over. I constantly worry about her well being and hope that no man hurts her. I would not hesistate to brake someone's legs if they broke her heart. My sisters have kept me from falling into that role of jerk and player. I am far from perfect but I try to be the gentleman that my mother struggled to raise.

So a message to all women: guys are not the all the same, there are some incredible men out there who will treat you like a Princess, guys who will respect you and pay for all your meals and will never lie to you. They are out there I promise. If you are worried that nice guys aren’t fun, I can assure you that they are. Do yourself a favor and show the world that nice guys are still desired and go out with one for a change! Guys: enough is enough. We need to change our perspective of what a man is. A man does not cheat on his woman; he doesn’t lie to her to cover up something ridiculous he did. A man pays for dinner, opens the door, compliments on how beautiful she looks. He takes care of her and protects her and will never let anyone else say a single negative word about her. This is what being a man is.

May the New Year bring us the opportunity to start over with a clean slate and accomplish the goals we have set forth. God bless you all, my readers.

The 2 Men Inside...

I have noticed that as I get older, my outlook on life is improving. Is this what they call growing up? I don’t really want to call it that because I pride myself in having the spirit of a small child. Sure, some aspects of my life are extremely grown up, like the fact that I always seem to get jobs normally fit for men having a mid life crisis. But, other than my passion for hard work, I feel like I am far from being a responsible adult capable of adult thinking. I am someone who is always struggling between the two people who live inside me (no I am not bi-polar, at least I haven’t been diagnosed officially just yet) but let me tell you about the two people who dwell inside…


I have always thought of myself as a religious person. When I want to be and when I apply myself, I can be a very a motivating and righteous person. I love to give talks, I love teaching the gospel, I love to do missionary work and visit those in need. I love to study the scriptures. The Book of Mormon is one of my favorite books to read, I love the stories that I can apply to my everyday life. I love learning facts about the LDS church and to share those with people. One of my favorite things to do is to help those in financial need. I have always been blessed with a good job that gives me more than I need and I truly feel that I have been given this talent so I could help others. I love to spoil my family with gifts, especially my little sister. I love to give service and I am happiest when I am helping others. This man I like to call Brother Disraeli. Brother Disraeli is very respectful of women, never lets a girl pay for anything, even if she is just a friend. He will open the door, will give up his seat when the need arises, and will hold hands and kiss on the cheek attempting anything else. This person inside me is a hopeless romantic and loves to be charming and to romance the woman he is with. He listens to music like Jason Mraz and Paolo Nutini and sings along in the car, he’s even been known to sing girls to sleep over the phone. Brother Disraeli is a very nice guy; he is very patient and all very polite with others.


But then there is Dis, just Dis. Dis is extremely funny; he loves to make people laugh and feeds off that laughter. Unfortunately sometimes his jokes are a bit inappropriate, especially since I come from a very conservative LDS family. Dis is the guy who hates having to go to church for 3 straight hours and if he could, he would change it so he only had to go for sacrament meeting. He is the guy who at church, changes the lyrics to the hymns to make his sister laugh and who acts like a child. He will fall asleep during the meeting and bribe his family with money so they scratch his back. Dis loves movies and owns many rated R films with no regret or remorse and has been known to say “an angel could come down and ask me to stop watching them and I would for a week or so and I would go back…” Dis has a potty mouth, he is known to throw in swears into his conversation and not censoring his words. Dis loves women! He hates the thought of settling down because there are so many women in the world and so little time! This is the person who keeps him from having any meaningful relationships because he is always looking for something else. He is the one who loves to make out and prides himself in being really good at it. He walks around cocky and always has to own nice things, expensive clothes, and cool gadgets. He has a temper, if you get him mad he will be your worst enemy. He is passionate so his relationships are usually very intense with extreme highs and lows. He is rebellious in many aspects; he questions some doctrine in the LDS church and hates the self righteous atmosphere that Utah has crated. He loves to defy his parent’s authority and in years past has been a major headache for them. He listens to hard rock bands like Ozzy, Korn, 10 Years, and Rob Zombie. He is the life of the party and is always haunted by past temptations.

So now the only question left is, which person have you encountered? Have you met Brother Disraeli, the nice guy who for the most part feels like he gets walked on for being so nice. Or have you met Dis and peed your pants from the stupid funny things he says? I guess a good balance of the two people would be a good thing, but for now I struggle to keep them both in check and hope that in the course of taming both sides I have not offended or hurt people. Happy holidays my readers, may the gods bless you and help you in your struggles.

I know, its been ages since I last blogged, and I did say that last time. And its not that I have been busy, sure there have been some major changes lately that have kept me from updating this, but come on... I have been on vacation for 3 weeks, so this was long over due.

To be honest the reason why I am even writing this is to get a few thoughts down that have been bugging at me these past few days. It is a lesson that I have learned that has cost me quite a while to understand, and even though I don't understand it completely, I feel like I have gotten much better at this little concept.

I have learned that sometimes in life, you can't always have it all. That's it, fairly simple right? Well it has taken most my life to figure out why this happens and to not be upset by it. Let me give you an example. The last few weeks as many of you know, I lost my job. I was laid off and was upset at first knowing that my future with my current company would come to an end. But the event forced me out of the comfort zone I had gotten into, and with some time, I saw many blessings come my way, one in particular that I prefer to keep private. But in the middle of all the turmoil, there seemed to be a light at the end.

I come to find out that I was wrong, and things weren't exactly going the way I had pictured them. Now my old self would have been upset, depressed, mad at the world, but I'm not. Yes I am sad that I had it all wrong, a little heartbroken, but the Lord knows whats best for me, and He gave me this great job opportunity and a huge opportunity to give back to my family and take care of them as they struggle in this horrible economy. I am not mad at my Father because He knows what is best for me, and one day at His time, not mine, that aspect of my life will be the way that I deserve it, and I put my faith in Him to continue guiding me. One of the many lessons learned is that we should always be grateful for what we have, part of being grateful is to acknowledge those blessings no matter how small they are. Also, when things seem to be horrible and depressing, they are never as bad as we make them out to be, remember that, remember that everything can be fixed and time heals and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel quicker if we stay positive through the darkness.

Well my readers, the moral of the story is this: Life is beautiful, it is not perfect by any means. Yes there will be heartbreak, and not just once. There will be trials and tribulation, there will be times where you feel you want to throw in the towel, and its not bad to feel that way. BUT, what is important is to figure out how to get out of those feelings and move on and thank Heavenly Father for those experiences, because they exist to make us better and are proof of His love. He will pull through for you, He loves you. God bless you all.

Dis

A Much Needed Update...

Ok, so its been ages since I last blogged. Not because I don't have anything to say, but I have been busy trying to juggle so many things... maybe a small update is in place.

Well, life has been so insane lately, and I will share a few of the things that have been going on. But first, a small disclaimer: LOTS of things have been going on in my life lately, but some I will not make public because I either cherish them and want to keep them to a select few (sorry, the irony of it all is that if you read my posts most likely you are in the select few who know almost everything about me, but just in case...) or they are things I cant make public JUST yet. But anyway, here is the latest:

Church- Man oh man has life taken a completely new turn in this department. I haven't been this spiritually happy since I left Utah. Its been a rough year here in Arizona and those who know me know that I struggled for a few months, but I am happy to report that I am very much active and loving everything about it. I currently teach in the Elder's Quorum, a calling I have always loved... its not that I think I have things to teach, but I learn so much from having to prepare a lesson and looking for the Spirit to guide me, I love this calling. I am also the Fellowship dude, which reminds me that Heavenly Father must have a sense of humor... here I was complaining about not having anyone in Arizona and struggling to go to church everyday and feeling like the outcast, and He decides to put me in a spot to show that I wont do the same to others. I love Heavenly Father. Thank you for the opportunity :)

I also realize that just going Sundays to church is not enough anymore, I need some major help. So I have been going to FHE the last couple of times despite my fears and thoughts of cheesy white Mormons... but you know what? I have been enjoying it! Who would have thought? I can honestly say that I love my ward very very much. They are not like Utah Mormons, they really depend on each other for friendship and look for opportunities to hang and be around each other because they share the same values. I respect that so much and they have taught me that it doesn't matter if you are white or brown, rich or poor, cool or kinda dorky, trendy or a total slob, if you love the Lord and share the same values you are all brothers and sisters.

Then there is Institute. I went from teaching the Spanish Book of Mormon class to sitting in the English version on Tuesdays. If there is a place to feel old, its that class. Its filled with youngsters that look like they just graduated High School, but the teacher has a similar sense of humor as I do and it keep me going every Tuesday. I also enrolled in the Thursday evening class that so far I haven't had the chance to go to due to recent trips, but it is the Pearl of Great Price so I look forward to going tomorrow.

So that's the church update, and I feel its enough for today. But I leave you with a thought that has been on my mind the past few weeks. Life is what you make of it, most of the things around you, you will not be able to change no matter how hard you try. But what you can change is your attitude, the way that you see things, and the ability to ask the Lord to help you through everything. It is amazing what a little prayer and an attitude change can do for your happiness. You make your life what it is, just remember that you are never alone. God bless.

Dis